extraORDINARY

I would just like to start this greatly delayed blog post by saying, once and for all, that I absolutely loath applications. No, I do not mean the nifty little tools on our smart phones (I use the term "smart" loosely, as mine still refuses to stop changing my last name to Huskies) that let us shoot disgruntled birds at anatomically incorrect pigs. I mean the viscous little forms that are designed to determine whether or not we are "worthy". The whole point of an application, or more specifically the application process, is to dazzle whoever it is you are trying to convince of your worthiness, therefore causing them to believe you are, in fact, worthy. Worthy of what exactly? You tell me: that school you always dreamed of attending, that job you always wanted, that internship that will get you that job you always wanted. For me, applications are usually not this idealistic. Mine are usually the job that will be okay for now or the school that will offer me the most financial aid. Not as exciting on paper, but it gets the job done. No matter what you are applying for, the idea is the same—wow their socks off.

My problem with applications is this: nothing makes me feel more ordinary than being charged with the task of convincing others that I am, in fact, extraordinary. In truth, the older I get, the more I realize that the only thing extraordinary about me is my quest to be extraordinary. Applications are nothing more than a chance for the world to shove metaphorical sand down my already sandy metaphorical shorts. And, like sand in my shorts, I find the whole process leaves me uncomfortable, unsatisfied, and stuck finding said metaphorical sand in strange and confusing places, long after I have returned from the beach.

Lately, my life seems plagued by these pesky sand-shoving applications. During the last few months, my days have been filled with countless job applications and now, thanks to my harebrained scheme to finish my post-baccalaureate work at a different university than I am currently attending, college applications. It is difficult to communicate just how humbling the entire process is. I never considered myself a person plagued by a need for harsh self-reflection. Sure, I have my moments where I have to take a step back and analyze a situation to determine if I am doing everything I can to make it work. I personally find this both healthy and necessary.  Generally, when these moments come, I reflect, inspect, and move on (possible copyright in the works).

I am never too hard on myself for too long. I know who I am, (at least at this point in my life) what I am capable of, and am fairly motivated about making things happen.  And, for the most part, I am comfortable in that knowledge. All of this said, when it comes time to fill out yet another application, I find myself dreading the prospect to the point of procrastination. If it is a job application, I feel that I don’t have enough valuable experience. If it is a school application, I see that my grades, while acceptable, are far from Ivy League. If it is a credit card application…well, let’s just not even go there. By the time I have finished an application, I am left with the fear that I am not good enough. My point is, this must stop. After all, what makes some of us ordinary and some of us extraordinary? And why do you, invisible judger of all societal worth, get to make that decision?

The important thing to keep telling myself is that I AM worthy. I AM extraordinary. I may not be as smart as Stephen Hawking or as rich as Bill Gates. I may not be able to sing like Maria Callas or write like Hemingway. But I have a college degree from a respected university and I’ve studied in London. I have an essay about to be published, fantastic friends, and a dog who I have yet to accidentally kill. All in all, I would say that is not too shabby.